And I don’t get it. I’ve posted on depression before, and logically, I know there’s no reason for it, but when it hits, I beat myself up over it (clearly one of the symptoms).
It’s not winter; in fact, spring is coming. Con season is coming. A lot of good things are coming. Yeah, some bad has happened, too. Speeding ticket, crushed by taxes, and overall unhappiness with my job, but none of those really explain how I feel. Those are fleeting things. And its not super noticeable (I hope). I can talk and be sociable, and laugh, and still enjoy things, its just this overwhelming malaise underneath it all.
Which is worse when I’m home and have all this time alone with my thoughts. Then I realize that I’m lonely, and easily irritated (er, mainly by crap caused by people upstairs: the pot smoking in the backyard stinking up my room, the sheer amount of noise and lack of consideration for someone below, blah blah), and not at all inspired of late. Lack of inspiration and ideas is probably the scariest of all. Worse than low self-esteem: a feeling of self-loathing. A general lack of ambition: it was hard as hell to get out of bed today, and not because I’m tired (although that, too, is a symptom; I feel wrung out). And after this blog, I will probably go back to bed and curl up with a book.
Oh, yeah, and I came off a couple really good books and it seems like all the ones I’ve started in the past few days are awful. Is it coincidence, or is it my state of mind projecting sheer suckage? That constant “is it just me?” gnaws at you until you question everything.
People can tell me to chin up, or appreciate this, or feel better, and I’m grateful for that, really, but if you know depression, you also know it doesn’t really help. I’ve tried the positive thoughts thing; I’m actually pretty good at it. Sometimes, it isn’t enough, and you just have to ride the shitstorm out.
Which I’m going to go do in bed for now.