Things To Take Off TV

1.  Any commercial featuring Flo, Billy Fucillo, or that stupid gecko.  The commercial with the cow speaking at the wedding.  I have no idea why that cow annoys the living shit out of me.  She actually sounds like a complete bimbo.

2.  Any commercial pushing drugs.  Tell my doctor of any conditions I have?  Shouldn’t my doctor know already?  Because I’m going to take some overpaid announcer’s advice over my doctor’s?  And are you people on commission for every catheter you sell?  Pee pads?  REALLY?  I remember when commercials were all for trucks and beer and restaurants.  Now commercials are all about making us hypochondriacs.  Because, after all, now that all diseases are abbreviated, they sound way more hip.  Sing it Neil Young:  My, my, hey, hey, rock’n’roll gave me RA.  The Village People, too: It’s hard to play with the C O P D!  Oh, oh, remember Tony Basil’s Hey Mickey?  HEY ED TURN ME RED WHEN YOU FLOP OUT WHILE IN BED HEY ED!

3.24 Hour News.  People are so addicted to this crap, and it takes so very little to feed that addiction.  The tiny simple stories have to be embellished and blown up to cover 5 hours worth of time because let’s face it….nothing is happening.  And people eat it up.  I’ve lived in upstate NY all my life, and 8 inches of snow was nothing.  A drop in the bucket (or flake).  Now, NOW we must give the weather pattern a name, and make it sound OMG ITS THREATENING ITS LOOMING and cover it nonstop for 2 days, while closing cities, calling out SWAT teams, and castrating llamas in preparation. Turn off the news and read a good book.

4.  Trash talk shows.  This means not all talk shows; while I”m not a fan some do have redeeming qualities and are interesting.  I mean the Springer type, the Montel type.  Most of the people on these things are grade A morons or anti-social assholes, and we are giving them far more attention than they deserve.  Hey, the same thing has been said of these people who go on shooting rampages:  “The media gives them attention, so more keep doing it.”  Same concept.  These folks do not deserve any attention at all.  A very few have legitimate issues, and should get help.  The rest should crawl back under their “baby daddy cheater” rocks and stay out of sight.  Or they can all sue each other and show up on Judge Judy, because at least she puts them in their places.

5.  Anything on MTV.  Videos, guys.  VIDEOS.  MUSIC.

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