What Am I?

I am an artist.

It is always hard to say that.  It is hard to accept myself as such.  I often consider myself mediocre, or inferior, but I’ve sold artwork for money.  People like my artwork, strangers included.  I have been complimented frequently on my line work.  My work has been called “creepy but cool”.  I admit I do have a talent that can’t be gotten from schooling.  I even like a lot of my work.

I am an artist.

I am not successful, at least not yet, not by my definition.  I need to devote more.  More time, more passion, more energy.  I need to push.  I need to make people LOOK.  Make them understand.  I am no longer on a 40-hour 5-day schedule, at least for now.  Maybe I can take more time to make them see me.  I wish that could always be the way, but reality will intrude again and things like health insurance and rent and car payments will send me back to that workweek world.

I am an artist.

My mother used to call me lazy.  Some people think it, even if they don’t say it.  Art is not work.  They don’t understand.  I sleep late, but I’m nocturnal.  I like nights.  I feel creative at night.  I would rather draw or create, but to others, that isn’t work.  I would rather write a show, but to others, that’s not work.  And sometimes, as badly as I want to create, I can’t.  The inspiration isn’t there, or anxiety or depression or just a plain old block is in my head, holding me back.  That doesn’t mean I’m not trying.  In fact, it’s harder.  It’s so hard to push through those kind of obstacles.

I am an artist.

Even with the time to promote myself, I have difficulty.  I have poor self-esteem.  I am painfully introverted.  I am uncomfortable talking to people I don’t know.  And it’s a hundred times harder when I have to talk about myself.  When I have to raise myself up after years of putting myself down.  So, to drive myself onward, I keep telling myself, and I keep producing work, even after a bad show, when my drive to create is rock-bottom.

I am an artist.

I am, really.  And I am back.  Help me to help myself.


Published by azbaelus

Local artist, author, slacker, gamer!

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