High Anxiety

Probably easier to explain my meltdown here.

Stress is tearing me up.  Stress at work, well, that’s a biggie.  Will I have a job in a few months?  That’s part of it, too.

Saratoga Comic Con is next weekend.  I always stress over Cons.  It’s what I do.

Then, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I go to Disney.  LOTS of walking, and I’ve been warned I will be left behind.  Actually, I’m ok with that.  While my back is considerably better, I still don’t have huge endurance, and anyway, it’s my first time there, so I won’t be shy about taking my time and soaking it in.  Then I come back, have a weekend, and BAM, surgery.

Not a lot of down time.

The thing with the surgery is twofold.  I’ve never had a broken bone, I’ve never been in a hospital except a trip or two to the ER for stupid shit, or to visit.  This is supposedly a one-night stay.  The other thing is the loss of control, or the uncertainty of the future.  I know the doc will probably answer most of my questions tomorrow but they are whirling around in my head like rabid moths.

When can I drive?  Ok, I can probably drive to the market but when will I be able to carry groceries?  How am I going to do anything?  Can I cook?  What if they find something else in there?  Can I shower?  I don’t have a bath.  People are inviting me to things…what can I and can’t I do?

OMG Voices in my head…SHUT UP.

Then of course, all the little things pile up on top of that.  The maintenance light in my car is on.  Great.  Who has time?  The weekend I’ll be free will be the 2 days between Disney and surgery…I doubt I’ll have the ambition or money to take care of it (although I suspect its something stupid yet expensive like the cabin filter).

The night I got in from Vegas, my pretty new ring from Woodstock fell off in the car.  Under the seat.  Fat chance of seeing that again.

I’m also thinking about giving up Cons.  I panick too much when I think for even a second I’ll have no one to help me, and it’s not a lucrative thing.  I’m not successful as an artist.  But I don’t want to give up, so that’s more stress.

But to those who offer their help, I must confess, I’m going to need it.  I hate to ask for help, and I hate to impose on others.  I always feel like I’m imposing (my self-esteem is a whole different issue).  But, I don’t know what else to do.  And then I feel whiny, because I know other folks out there have it so much worse.  At least, in the grand scheme of life.

So, I have loads of anxiety.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a physical anxiety attack, at least nothing beyond a small taste of that fight or flight thing with the accelerated heart rate.  But in the past two days, I haven’t felt good, my back has flared up to where I couldn’t get out of bed this morning (as in, before the MRIs and PT and everything made it better), and I’m ready to bite the head off everyone and everything, if I don’t collapse in tears first.  Is this an anxiety attack?  Does it stop, like…soon?

Can I just have a tiny little bit of down time?  Me time?  Please?


Published by azbaelus

Local artist, author, slacker, gamer!

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