Some days I’m fine. Some days I sink right down.
Even depression and anxiety can be at odds with each other. I get miserable because I’m lonely, but then I get an invite to go out and do something, and I can’t bear the thought of leaving my safehome.
Recently, it’s because I can’t bear how I look. This hernia…diastasis recti not a hernia?…looks like I swallowed a beach ball, and while I’m glad the back doctor brought it to my attention, I’m not real happy about how she did it. I’m so self-conscious about it now, it’s agonizing. I can’t stand going out. Nothing I own is baggy enough to hide it. I look pregnant, yet it’s painfully obvious I’m too old to be pregnant. It’s bigger when I sit. It’s all I think about. It doesn’t help that pants which would normally be loose no longer fit because of it.
I wasn’t this hung up when it was just fat, although I did have esteem issues over that.
And I look old. Oh, friends will tell me I look fine, but I’m feeling so shattered these days.
I think what makes it worse is how RUDE society has become. No, not all of us, but there is a lot more attention on people being flat-out nasty to each other, often with no provocation.
One example that affected me…driving home from work, right around the Brickhouse Tavern on Troy-Schenectady Rd, a car was drifting back and forth between lanes. I gave a short beep of the horn. Short. I didn’t lay on the horn. I just wanted the driver to realize what they were doing.
The passenger instantly whipped around and flipped me off. She was an Asian girl, maybe 20. I gave her a double bird back, and that set her off. She began making faces, making all kinds of obscene gestures…she literally went nuts. And then the driver got into the act (because she was paying spectacular attention to the road before this?). She could have been the twin to the passenger, so I’m guessing sisters. Very young. Very stupid. I mean, people, YOU’RE DRIVING IN TRAFFIC!
To a degree, it was funny, because after my initial response of flipping her off back, i chose to ignore them. And that seemed to infuriate them. In fact, after a minute or two, I began screwing with my radio, so that I wasn’t even looking at them (yes, I was watching the road), and their antics got even nuttier. They were looking back, and craning their necks, and making more wildly obscene gestures.
Really? Because I beeped at you once? Because you were so busy reading Facebook or texting that you couldn’t pay attention and stay in one lane?
I used to believe people didn’t like conflict. Now I wonder. Clearly, those girls loved it. So can you imagine what someone might say to me over my beach ball stomach? Or my crooked teeth? Or anything, because these days, its all about skin color or looks. It’s all superficial.
I don’t. And that’s just one more reason. I want to be with my friends, my loved ones. But holy crap, I can’t bear to leave my house.