My Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is painful for a lot of people.  Mostly, for those who no longer have their mom with them, and I can respect that (for me, I miss my dad, so Father’s Day is similar).

Mother’s Day is painful for me, I guess, because I only wish I’d had that kind of a relationship.  My mother hated me.  Or, if hate might be too strong a word, she certainly resented me.  Without going too deep into the story (which could be a Lifetime movie, except I don’t even know all the details), I was my father’s, but not hers.  I even remember a neighbor telling me, “she didn’t hate you, she used to brag about you, how smart you are”, etc.

She certainly never did that to my face.  Instead, I was constantly belittled.  I wasn’t pretty.  I was fat.  Sure, I was smart, but I wanted to do artwork, and all that would land me was a job as a cashier all my life.  I was lazy (actually, I was, and still am to this day, nocturnal.  I do much better sleeping by day and writing, drawing, doing ANYTHING I need to do at night).  Does that sound like a woman who was bragging about me behind my back?

Yeah, I don’t think so, either.

Maybe there might have been a reconciliation.  She died when I was 19.  I don’t believe there would have been a compromise.  She lost a son before I came along, and I could never fill that gap, and also, consequently, I was smothered more than you could imagine.  Ever have a steak knife pulled on you because you were trying to go to a baseball game on the other side of the city?

She wouldn’t have used it.  She didn’t.  I walked out, to the threat of “the door will be locked when you come home”.  It wasn’t.  I’m not trying to paint a Mommie Dearest style image here.  My childhood wasn’t horrible.  Mostly, it was forgettable.  There were some highlights, sure.  There were some lows.

But as I scroll through and see all the posts about moms and love, it hurts.  Because it’s something I never, ever had.  Those of you who still have your moms, embrace them and be grateful.  If you don’t….remember and cherish the time you had, know you did them proud, and pass that love on.  If you are a mom, kudos to you and your hard work, and be the kind of mom you always swore you would be, whether it was the kind you had or not.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Published by azbaelus

Local artist, author, slacker, gamer!

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