Purely First World Ads

Technically, I suppose most advertising is a First World problem.  Third World countries don’t have the capital to throw away on it.  Second World…I claim ignorance.  I’m not sure how the finances break down.  Maybe it would be better to phrase this as ads that are so purely self-absorbed and unnecessary that it would gag a maggot.

1. Crest tooth whitener.  This ad makes me batshit.  This woman with teeth SO white they belong on a miner’s headlamp is cutting herself out of pictures because her teeth are so yellow in comparison to…to what?  Italian marble?  A bleached nun’s habit?  She’s drop dead gorgeous, and the mere sight of her teeth put a hundred dentists out of business.  Stop with the insane arrogance.  I suppose, however, it would be delightfully ironic if her teeth were that perfect, yet her breath would knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.

2. Hospital billboards.  It is a sad state of affairs when so many people are in danger of losing healthcare, indeed, that they so desperately need it because the cost of a baby aspirin at any hospital requires a cosigner.  And yet, said hospitals can afford to advertise.  I haven’t seen one in a while but I do recall billboards for a local hospital (I won’t shame with a name, if you recognize it, not my fault) for their excellent cardiac care. And all I could think was, here I am, in the back of an ambulance, having cardiac arrest, and I’m going to be in a clear enough frame of mind to remember that billboard, and say, “wait, no, I don’t care what’s closer, I want to go to THESE guys.”  I suppose theoretically, a relative who saw the billboard might say something along those lines, but ehhhhh….doubt it.  In the terror and hustle of a life-threatening emergence, I can’t imagine anyone is going to make a decision based on an ad a hospital took out that they happened to see on Route 7.

3.  Hellish foods.  One look at me and you know I’m as much a sucker for commercials about food as the next person, but some of these are downright ridiculous.  I think it’s Carabba’s that is marketing some atrocity that is “chicken parmigian lasagna”.  Yeah, not quite.  It looks nothing like lasagna.  What it DOES look like is 5 or 6 pieces of chicken fried parmigian style, stacked and speared with some cheese and marinara dumped on top.  So maybe a “chicken parm-ka-bob” would be a more accurate term.  Under any name, it looks disgusting.  Hey, I love chicken parmigian.  Any parmigian: chicken, veal, or eggplant, but in my book, its a piece of meat lovingly seasoned and slathered with sauce and cheese.  This looks more like nuggets on steroids with the cheese and sauce tossed on like afterthoughts.  Bleccch.  Stay away from places like this, and stick to the good mom and pop Italian places.  They do parmigian right, not “McParmets”.

4. Cooking shows.  Again, yes.  I’m a hypocrite.  I watch a ton of cooking shows.  BUT, while I admit, chefs are indeed artists, there are some cases of arrogance that dumbfound me.  Humility is more becoming, people.  I’m not knocking confidence, and the knowledge that you’re good.  Third World countries are grateful for food.  They use it wisely.  Here, we brag while we throw pizza and fruit rollups into a blender and Gordon Ramsay has recruits throwing out hundreds of pounds of rubbery scallops and overcooked Wellingtons  and overdressed salads (I sincerely hope these places DO find a use for these foods and the waste isn’t nearly as bad as it seems).  We’re gonna beat Bobby Flay even if we have to burn through three or four ribeyes to do it.  Timmy will be the Chopped Junior Champion no matter how many gummy fish Suzie burns making her caramel.

What sort of waste and arrogance sets you off?  Share it, droogies!

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