Reflecting on Disappointment

That sounds negative, but its not, really.  I have been reflecting on what good friends I have.  But I phrased it that way, because I was also thinking how often I’ve been disappointed in other people.  After all, it takes the bad to make you appreciate the good.  That whole “good can’t exist without evil because they define each other” thing I preach.

I’ve been a bit blue.  It’s the winter depression thing coming on a bit earlier, I think.  Maybe because I saw dear friends in Vegas, who I already miss, and I dont’ want to wait another year to see them again.  And it’s cold, and my hip is hurting more and more these days (usually after I’m up for a little while it fades but lately it seems to hurt more and more throughout the day).  The whole election thing has filled me with a vague sense of dread, that bizarre “I should be worrying about something now but I’m not sure what” feeling.  Am I the only person who gets that?  Yes, I am a chronic worrier.  And of course, the impending holidays…always a sign of the onset of “I haz a sad”.  I literally get like, “oh, god, Thanksgiving, wtf already?  Again?”.

Add to that a dismal Con season.  The books aren’t selling, not even coloring books, so I have no inclination to draw or write.  Mostly I’m inclined to sleep, but there’s a lot of Netflix I can catch up on.

So to offset some of that, I try to remind myself, I do have great friends.  They are there if I need to talk (sadly, I’m not very good at talking things out, I internalize and feel crappy, but that’s on me).  If I need help for a Con, they’re there.  And they try to sell me, because I’m horrible at doing it myself.  Too introverted.  Which I never was before, but things change.  They include me in their invites.  Sometimes I don’t go because I’m either blue, or hurting, but they never stop inviting me, and for that, I love them.  They also are constantly encouraging me, boosting me, and offering up ideas for marketing.

And I recognize this because of so many others who have failed.  I had hopes that people from Watervliet would support me, being my hometown.  At someone’s recommendation, I brought a copy of the first book to the library, and there was some excitement from the folks I spoke to.  I left a business card and a bookmark for the person in charge…and never heard anything after.  So…I haven’t brought any more books down.  I don’t post about it on the Watervliet pages anymore.  Another person encouraged me by talking about his great ideas for marketing ebooks, said he’d done it before and it worked and he was looking for a couple of volunteers to work with…accepted me, messaged me he would start after the new year…that was 3 years ago?  Again, after the release of Break.  Again, never another word about it.  There is also a fairly constant parade of “hey I’d like to interview you”, or “we’re doing a Con/craft show and we’d like to have you”, I give them a card, and bam, never heard from again.

Some of this is probably normal, because things change, plans get shelved, or fall through, but after a while it becomes crushing.  An email isn’t too much to ask…unless so many promises have been made that you’ve lost track.  But I can only take so much.  Why should I trust again?  Why believe?  Why dare to hope?

Because there are some of you I can trust implicitly, and that shines so much brighter against the backdrop of those who have turned their backs.  And I love you and appreciate you so much more for it.  And I know that when I crawl my way through the dark tunnel I’m staring into right now, you’ll still be there for me.


Published by azbaelus

Local artist, author, slacker, gamer!

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