How to Make Me Hate You on the Road

A helpful list, since things on the road that make me hate you (without even knowing you) doubtless make other motorists hate you, too.

1. Not passing in the passing lane. If you are in the passing lane, and not turning left anytime soon, you’d
best be doing above the speed limit. And passing. Hence the name. It’s not the “go slow enough so people
on the right are passing YOU lane”. If you are in the passing lane, and doing 10 miles under the speed
limit, I promise, I hate you.

2. Doing anything that takes your attention off driving. Texting, applying makeup, curling your hair, reading
the paper, etc. True story: going to work one morning, I am alongside and slightly behind a silver Kia. It
has 2 glaring yellow bumper stickers: WATCH OUT FOR MOTORCYCLES and YOUR CAR CAN KILL. The driver has a
razor or Flowbee or whatever, and is shaving or buffing his scalp. Yeah, I kid you not. And he continued
to buff his scalp to a Mr. Clean gleam all the way up Route7. HEY BUDDY YOUR CAR CAN KILL! Ok, I
don’t hate him just yet, but he shot to the top of the assometer.

3. Right on red in my face. You have all the time in the world to see me coming and do your right-on-red, but
no, you sit there, as if deciding, hemming, hawing, picking your butt, trying to judge my speed, then
shoot out inches from my bumper. To compound the issue, after that initial gutsy burst of speed, you slow
down. Or worse, hit the brake. That’s worth double hate points on Thursdays.

4. Hitting the brakes repeatedly. For no reason. Imaginary squirrels jump out in front of you? Suddenly a
whole 6mph over the speed limit? Tiniest curve in the road? OMG ALL THIS RAIN THE ROAD IS SLICK! Well,
whatever the reason, here’s a fun fact: easing off the gas ALSO slows the car down.

5. “Don’t Have Time To Clean My Car Syndrome”. Only relevant in the northeast, those fine upstanding winter
commuters who clear off one tiny peephole in the snow, and frig the rest. It’ll blow off. Yeah, dipshit,
it’ll blow off onto someone else’s car, you know, someone who bothered to clean their car so they had
visibility? And you may want to see out your back window at some point. Even if its just to see whether
the bicycle you sent flying up and over landed rider side up or rider side down.

I’ll think of more later, or tomorrow, after another trip up the road. Good night all, and happy motorin’ (what’s your price for flight?)

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